


Losing You

by laireshi



Series: Contrasts [1]
Category: Avengers (Comics), Marvel 616
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Stony Bingo, Temporary Character Death, Villain Steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-18 01:10:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3550502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laireshi/pseuds/laireshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Captain Rogers is S.H.I.E.L.D.'s most wanted enemy now.”</p><p>And Tony—Tony's not even surprised.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing You

**Author's Note:**

> Whee, finally! I wanted to write it for quite some time. This is a prequel to [On and Off](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2627303) and [In Too Deep](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3189227).
> 
> Thanks for beta to [runningondreams](http://archiveofourown.org/users/runningondreams) and brainstorming to [magicasen](http://archiveofourown.org/users/magicasen/pseuds/magicasen) :)
> 
> A fill for "I fought the law" on my bingo card.

Tony wakes up. It's dark, and he's still tired. He wants to drift back to sleep.

Then Steve moves, a soft whimper escaping his mouth. Tony immediately turns to him, presses a calming hand to his shoulder, feels how tense it is. He wonders if he should wake him up, and then Steve says, “Stop!”, still deep asleep, and it's not a question anymore.

Tony shakes him awake, and only manages to avoid the punch because he expected it. Steve doesn't like to be woken up, because he's always afraid of hurting Tony, but it's not as if Tony could let him sleep, when he's clearly having nightmares.

“Shh,” Tony says quietly. “It's fine. You're with me. It's all fine.”

Steve sits up and breathes deeply. “It's not,” he whispers. “Bucky—” He stops himself and doesn't say more.

Tony wraps his arms around him and doesn't ask. It's not the first time this has happened, and he knows the story. He knows that Steve had to watch Bucky die at Zemo's hand.

The history books say that James Barnes died in Germany and don't add anything else. Tony saw Steve break down as he told him how it happened.

Steve slowly calms down. He nuzzles at Tony's neck and keeps him close. They don't sleep more, but that's okay.

***

They get pulled out of bed a few hours later by the Avengers alert. 

Tony runs to his lab, leaving Steve pulling on his uniform in their bedroom.

As soon as he puts on the helmet, Tony pulls up details of the call, and then swears. Ice-wielding villain at a Stark Industries warehouse is just what he needs now. And he's almost sure it's Blizzard again. Wasn't he supposed to be in prison, anyway?

He flies up to the rooftop and meets Steve already waiting for him. Jess is still on some S.H.I.E.L.D. mission, and Tony doesn't think they should call Peter from his work, but Carol flew out already. The three of them should be more than enough. Tony puts on his arm around Steve and takes them into the air. 

He never flies as fast with Steve as the armour is capable of, but it's still a short journey. They land in front of the ice-covered warehouse and Tony shakes his head. “At least he chose an older building,” he says grimly, looking at the broken door.

Carol flies out of what was left of the door at this moment, carrying two security guards. “He's trying to break into some vault,” she says, “but it looks like it's taking him time, and these people aren't in good shape.”

Tony grits his teeth. Stealing his products is one thing. Harming his employees—another.

“Get them to a hospital,” he says. “We'll handle it here.”

She nods and then she's flying away. Tony knows she prefers to fight, but she's quicker than he is, and the armour scans showed dangerous hypothermia on the guards. They need medical attention, and soon.

He and Steve enter the warehouse side by side. “The vault is one level down,” he says.

“Anything dangerous there?” Steve asks.

“Not as it is,” Tony says. “It's mostly materials here.”

Steve runs towards the stairs, Tony flying over him. He glances at Steve, a bit worried. The armour says it's below zero, and Steve doesn't like cold.

“I'm fine,” Steve says, and it never ceases to amaze Tony when he acts like he read his thoughts.

“I can—”

“I'm fine,” Steve repeats, and Tony doesn't argue again.

He sees the villain—Blizzard, like he suspected—as soon as they reach the basement. He's clearly trying to freeze the locking mechanisms. Tony fires a repulsor to make him jump away.

“Stark,” Blizzard says.

“You really are the worst employee I've ever had,” Tony says, and soars up to avoid a hit of ice. 

“You're a murderer,” Blizzard growls, and for a moment Tony stops moving. He knows that.

Steve throws his shield then, and it knocks Blizzard to the ground. It bounces of the door and flies back to Steve's hand. “You really can't talk,” he says.

Tony lands. “Thank—”

And then the words stop on his lips, because Steve throws his shield again, and Blizzard is _still down_ , _what the hell is Steve doing—_

Tony's trained with Steve for years, and that's the only thing that lets him aim and fire now in time to knock the shield off the course.

“What the hell,” they both say at once, staring at each other.

There's something dark in Steve's eyes.

“He's _down_ ,” Tony says.

“For how long?” Steve challenges.

“It's not—” Tony shakes his head. “No. Not here,” he says.

But when he turns to Blizzard, the villain is gone.

***

They're silent on the way back to the Tower.

Tony strips out of the armour and he's not sure he wants to go upstairs now.

It isn't the first time Steve's wanted to kill someone, but it's the first time it was that obvious, and Tony's at a loss. They're supposed to be heroes. They're better than this. Sometimes they don't have another option—but not when the enemy is _down_.

Tony spins around when he hears the workshop door opening. Steve steps in, still in his uniform. “Do you still think it was a good idea?” he asks.

“He was down,” Tony says.

“And now he's gone,” Steve snaps.

“We don't kill.” Tony pronounces each word clearly.

“Bucky said that too,” Steve says abruptly. “We had caught Zemo once, you know? Bucky said I shouldn't kill him.”

“So what, now you'll kill everyone just in case?” Tony asks, and he knows it's cruel, but Steve _has to_ understand.

Murder is not the way.

Steve shakes his head. Tony's expecting him to yell, maybe walk out; not to whisper, quietly, “I can't lose you.”

His anger flows out of him, suddenly, leaving him just tired.

“You won't,” Tony promises.

***

Tony is sitting on the sofa, Steve's arm around him. He's not really paying attention to the movie. He's enjoying Steve's closeness, and trying to push worry away. 

What if one day someone won't be there to stop Steve?

He doesn't want to think of that.

He moves even closer to Steve and closes his eyes, breathes him in. It's good. Everything is fine.

Tony hopes it'll stay like that.

“You know it's not just a two-people sofa, love birds?” Carol asks, laughing. Tony opens his eyes and sees her standing in the doorway, hands on her hips.

“Peter complains when we sit in the armchair,” Steve says mildly.

“Well, if Tony didn't use it as an excuse to put his hands all over you in public . . .”

“As if I need an excuse for that,” Tony says.

“I noticed,” she replies. “Scoot over, I want to see this movie.”

Tony grins at her and climbs into Steve's lap. She rolls her eyes.

***

Tony blinks when Steve comes in the workshop dressed in a suit.

“Not that I mind the view,” he says, looking him up and down, “but what's the occasion?”

Steve steps to him and puts hands on Tony's hips. The suit jacket looks _very_ nice on his shoulders. “I'm taking you to dinner,” he says.

“Are you,” Tony says.

“Go dress up,” Steve says. “You can tell Pepper Captain America kidnapped you.”

Tony nods. “I'll say he was really persuasive, too,” he promises.

Steve looks good. Tony could have _him_ for dinner. But it's true they haven't been on a date in too long.

The dessert _might_ wait.

***

“This was delicious,” Tony says, licking raspberry sauce off his lips. Steve's looking at him like he's hypnotized, the spoon raised halfway to his lips.

“Are you going to finish it?” Tony asks.

“I'd rather go home,” Steve says, just like Tony hoped he would. 

“We've both been very patient,” Tony agrees in a mock-serious voice.

Steve flags down the waiter and pays.

They leave, and Tony has to remind himself he shouldn't take Steve's hand in public.

Not yet.

It's a short walk from the Tower and the evening is warm. Tony grins at Steve and forces himself to walk slower. He likes it when Steve gets impatient.

Someone stops in front of them. It takes Tony a second to recognize Blizzard in his civilian identity, and it's a second too long.

Blizzard takes out a gun, and suddenly there's just the pain in Tony's chest.

Steve's scream is the last thing he hears.

***

He wakes up.

He doesn't feel any pain. He's not sure how it's possible, he doesn't feel as if he's on painkillers, and the last thing he remembers—

He touches his chest, and there aren't any bandages on it.

Only now does he look around. He's not in a hospital. He's in the Tower, in what looks like one of the guest rooms. He's alone. 

What's going on?

He gets up. He has on simple black pyjamas, and he decides to go find someone. Where is Steve, anyway? Tony isn't used to waking without him anymore.

He stops just short of the living room, hearing a conversation inside.

“Are we sure it's him?” Clint's voice.

“Stephen said so.” Carol's. She sounds tired. “But he didn't say when he'd wake up.”

“Or _if_.” That was Luke.

Enough, Tony decides and walks in. “Who are you talking—”

He can't finish the sentence. Carol's hugging him so tight he almost can't breathe, and he can see everyone else staring at him. Peter is there too, hanging off the ceiling. Jessica.

No Steve.

“You're back,” Carol says.

It's all adding up to an explanation Tony doesn't like.

He pushes Carol out to arm's length and looks at her very carefully. There are tears in her eyes.

“I died,” he says, and she nods.

***

They tell him it's been two years. They tell him the team managed to stay together. They tell him they saved the universe again. They tell him they missed him. They tell him Stephen Strange found him three days ago.

They don't tell him where Steve is, and Tony is afraid to ask. Not when everyone is there, looking at him like they've seen a miracle.

“I'm tired,” he says, and it's not even a lie. He meets Carol's eyes across the room and sees she understands. He stands up. He's planning to go back to the room he woke up in. He doesn't want to ask about his and Steve's bedroom, not yet. But . . . “Who else knows I'm here?”

“Fantastic Four,” Peter speaks up. “Reed checked you over when you were unconscious. So we already know you're not a Skrull.”

“That's nice,” Tony says. “Okay. Talk to you tomorrow.”

He tells himself he's not running away from them. But he needs time, and he needs more answers.

He walks back to the room, slowly. Carol catches up with him when he's opening the door. They walk inside, silent, and she has to know what he wants to ask, but she's not saying anything.

“Steve,” Tony says finally, and she looks away.

Peter didn't mention Steve knowing about Tony, so Tony thinks there are two possibilities here. “Is he dead?” he asks, because he has to know.

She shakes her head once. “No.” A beat of silence. “But Captain Rogers is S.H.I.E.L.D.'s most wanted enemy now.”

And Tony—Tony's not even surprised. 

***

Looking at the at the photographs of Blizzard's mangled body makes him throw up.

To think that Steve had done that—that Steve had done that because Tony was dead—

He can't think about that.

He reads up on everything he missed. He gets briefed on Steve's body count. It's mostly villains, but not _just_ villains, and would it matter anyway?

Tony still misses him.

***

He's been working on a new armour, but it's not yet ready when the call comes. That doesn't mean he can't help: his workshop was untouched, his old armours locked there like a memorial. He was a bit weirded out by that, but he's glad now.

Carol looks at her Avengers card. “You should sit this one out,” she says, and doesn't wait for his answer. She's flying out of the window, shining with energy, bright like sun.

Tony doesn't even need to go to the monitor room to check who they're supposed to be fighting now, but he does anyway.

The man in the black uniform throwing the shield Tony knows so well is definitely Steve.

Carol had warned him, but seeing it with his own eyes is different. And Tony hates himself for thinking it, but there's always been something dark in Steve, something—

He shakes his head. It's still _Steve_.

Clint is there, fighting him. Tony wonders if the other Avengers apart from Carol are coming.

He suits up, and he's not sure who he's planning to help now.

***

When he arrives at the scene, it's only Carol and Steve still standing. Clint is knocked unconscious, and Tony narrows his eyes.

Maybe it's not Steve, after all.

He lands, repulsors aimed at Steve, and it's only the armour keeping his aim steady. He wants to touch him, embrace him, he wants to kiss him, not—

“What is that thing,” Steve says, sounding terribly calm.

“Steve,” Carol says, but then Steve's throwing his shield, and Tony knows his fighting style, knows _everything_ about him, and yet he can't dodge in time. It hits him in the chest plate, hard enough to make him stagger back, and then Steve's on him, throwing him down, and Tony can't quite fight back.

“He's dead,” Steve's saying. “How dare you, he's _dead_ , how dare you put on his armour—”

“It's me,” Tony tries to say as Steve hits at the armour, again and again.

He should throw him off, he should use the unibeam, and he can't, he _can't_ , the raw grief in Steve's eyes is too much.

“Stay back,” Tony barks on the comms, because he doesn't want Carol to interfere here, he needs to—

He sends the armour the command to open the faceplate, and Steve freezes with his shield raised above him.

“It's me,” Tony says again, and the shield clatters to the ground. 

Steve doesn't say a word.

***

Tony watches Steve through the prison bars and he's not sure what happened.

How did they get here? How did Steve end up labelled a villain?

(He knows how; Carol told him the whole story, he saw the files, he still can't believe them.)

Steve looks up at him, weirdly softly. “Tony,” he says.

“Why?” Tony asks.

“You were dead,” Steve says like it explains everything. “You saved him, and he killed you.”

“This is not a reason to—”

“It's more than enough reason!” Steve yells.

It's not wise, but all Tony wants to do is to reach out and touch him, calm him down, like he used to calm him after nightmares.

They're never getting back to that.

“I love you,” Steve whispers but he might as well be yelling for the way it makes Tony feel. “You were gone.”

“I'm sorry,” Tony answers stupidly.

Steve's look is intense, as if he can't quite get enough of Tony, and Tony _hates_ these bars between them.

They're making him consider dangerous things, and he shouldn't, but he's already looking for weak spots and—

He has to leave. He doesn't want to, but he can't stay here longer and see the grief still so obvious in Steve's eyes; he has to remind himself he's a hero, and he can't, he can't—

“I'm sorry,” he blurts out, and turns away.

Steve calls after him, once, and Tony can't look back.

***

It takes a bit of negotiating and more of Carol yelling at him, but he's back, a mobile phone with software that really shouldn't be allowed anywhere near secure facilities in his pocket.

Steve is sitting on the narrow bench in his cell, his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands. He doesn't look up even though he must've heard Tony's steps. He just looks defeated.

It hurts, really, unexpectedly, and for a moment Tony can't speak. Then he says, “Hi there.”

Steve's at the bars so fast Tony has to stop himself from taking a surprised step back.

“You left,” Steve says.

This is not the conversation Tony's willing to have. He's not here for that. “Step back,” he says.

“Why?”

“Do it,” Tony says, and looks him in the eyes.

Steve moves away.

Tony takes out his mobile and types in a few quick commands. Steve's eyes widen as the door opens and Tony steps inside the cell.

“Isn't that risky?” he asks.

“No, I don't think so.” Tony shakes his head. “We have a few minutes.”

Steve nods, and for a few seconds they just look at each other. It's wrong to be in this situation, it's so different, but it's still Steve, and Tony still loves him.

It's that thought that finally makes him move, and then he's embracing Steve, feeling his warmth through the thin prison uniform. “You idiot,” Tony whispers.

Steve's trembling a bit, but his arms around Tony are strong and safe as always. Maybe it shouldn't feel like that, Tony thinks, and doesn't care one bit.

He wants to ask Steve to come back with him—they'd think of something, they could excuse what Steve had done, he could atone for everything—but he knows there's no point. Steve's on a different path now, and Tony doesn't want to separate them even more by asking for that. So he's silent and he holds on, because he really isn't sure if it's not the last time he'll get to do this.

Steve relaxes into him, and then he's leaning down and kissing Tony, and Tony thinks they both needed it like they need air.

He kisses back, it's only then that he really feels alive again.

***

There are roses on the table in his workshop. The ticket says _I'm sorry_ in Steve's handwriting.

Tony looks at it for a long while.

He should throw it away. He should track down Steve and make sure he stays locked up this time. He could do that.

He knows he won't.

And—

“You really can't hide from me in my own workshop,” he says, and Steve steps out from the shadows.

“Do you like the flowers?” he asks.

“We can't do that,” Tony says.

“Can't we?”

Tony doesn't answer, and Steve smiles at him.

When they kiss this time, it's not any less urgent than before, but they're no longer in a S.H.I.E.L.D. cell, and Tony justifies to himself that he can put his hands under Steve's shirt now, he can do everything he wished to do then.

Later, he drifts asleep next to Steve on the cold floor and wakes up on the cot in his workshop, alone.

***

“You should put on higher collar,” Carol says when she sees him.

His hand immediately goes up to his neck, covering the hickey, before he understands he really can't pretend it's anything else after that.

“Thought so,” she says with a sad smile.

“Do you . . .”

“You know what you're doing,” she says, and she might have more faith in him than he has in himself.

He nods anyway.


End file.
